Are the Words "I'm Sorry" the Most Powerful Words in Mediation?

A great deal has been written over the years about the power of a good apology. Jennifer Robbennolt, a professor of both psychology and law at the University of Illinois, as made apologies a cornerstone to her career. In the most recent issue of Dispute Resolution Magazine, she writes about apologies and how they can be helpful in a mediation.

But first, some ground rules. What differentiates a good apology from a bad apology? A good apology addresses the notion that the aggrieved party feels disrespected, angry, betrayed. The party wants “to understand what has happened and why.” In the end, accountability for what transpired is key. A good apology should resonate with and to those feelings and emotions.

A bad apology? Those are the ones that come across insincere, conditional or cast doubt as to what transpired. As Professor Robbennolt notes, “I’m apologizing for the conduct that it was alleged that I did” is not what a reasonable person would consider a good apology.

“When [apologies] acknowledge harm, express remorse, take responsibility, provide information, seek to prevent harm, and facilitate repair, apologies can open the door to reintegration. The listening that is part of (or the precursor to) a good apology is one of the keys to reconciliation. Apologies tend to be more effective when the apologizer has really listened to the other person, taken time to understand the other’s perspective, appreciates and has reflected on the complexion of the harm or division, and is able to convey that understanding in the apology.”

How does this play into mediations? By addressing the emotions at play, a major hurdle is crossed that allows resolution to be achieved. It’s not necessarily an easy process nor is it a process that works 100% of the time. It is also worth noting that this is a process that requires both sides to be active participants. The aggrieved party has to be willing and able to hear, listen and process the apology. Otherwise, it falls on deaf ears.

To read Professor Robbennolt’s article, click here.